Dealing with loss
How do you deal with loss? Why is it such a painful and powerful focusing lens on what is really important?
Last week one of my best friends from high school passed away when his heart stopped suddenly while at home one evening, leaving behind a 4-month old son, a grieving wife, and hundreds of shell-shocked friends and family.
I received the phone call from another high school friend while setting out on a hike in the middle of the day and found myself overwhelmed by the intensity of the moment. As if time was slowing down. Waves of sadness, loss, anger, pain, and love tossed about in my heart as I wandered through the woods absentmindedly. I found myself purposely going off-trail to avoid other humans in order to immerse myself in my grieving.
I felt held by mother nature and lucky to be in the woods when I received this news. So many memories arose that brought up bitter-sweet memories, questions and realizations to my mind about the fragility of life and one's purpose on earth...
The Tao teaches us not to avoid or suppress emotions but to realize that you sit "in the center of them" and through emotions one can realize wisdom. The taoist sage Chuang-Tzu said:
"Before sorrow, anger, longing, or fear have arisen, you are in the center. When these emotions appear and you know how to see through them, you are in harmony. That center is the root of the universe; that harmony is the Tao, which reaches out to all things." Chuan-Tzu verse 2
In the following week that I contemplating my friend's passing, each moment of my life became more real as if I had "zoomed in" on life, and each interaction with my wife and children or a friend or even a stranger felt more meaningful. I imagine that for some, the loss of a loved one is experienced as traumatic and dissociative at first, but for me and hopefully for everyone they can eventually get to the place of meaning and gratitude for the love they shared.
For anyone who has experienced loss...
this experience of "presence" and meaning in the remembering of a loved one is one of the most precious treasures of being human because it brings us into an experience of the here and now.
Having maintained a yoga and meditation practice for over 20 years I have experienced this sort of "zoomed in" awareness before while on yoga retreat or on particular days when practicing energy meditation.
In the Taoist tradition I teach, the goal of meditation is to build the skill of "inward training" or what scientists might call proprioception and interoception, the ability to feel one's body sensations inside and out. When one's energy sensitivity skill is particularly fine-tuned they can experience a "zooming in" on the sensations of one's body but also a sense of the sacredness of the present moment and what it means to be human. As Chuang-Tzu wrote:
What is bestowed on us at birth is called human nature.
The fulfillment of human nature is called the Tao.
The cultivation of the Tao is the deepest form of learning...
Nothing is more manifest than the hidden;
nothing is more obvious that the unseen.
Therefore the Taoist
pays attention to what is happening within her innermost self.
-Chuang-Tzu Verse 1
Paying attention to the "hidden" and "unseen" sensations that arise in one's body and breath, aka one's "innermost self," is the essence of Taoist training. This awareness training, like losing a loved one, brings our mind and heart into focus on the present.
While I don't wish the death of a loved one on anyone, the loss of a loved one is a reminder to us that life is sacred and that the more time we spend in the present moment the more rich our life experience becomes.